3 steps to manage conflict with your children

I almost hit her and it would have been the stupidest thing I could have done.

Following an acrimonious divorce with my now ex-wife, my daughters (aged 7 and 4) lived with their mum. I was deeply fearful at the time that my ex would block my contact with them or that they might choose to stop coming to see me, but each fortnight, I made the trip from Birmingham to Somerset, picking them up from school on Friday at 3:15, taking them to my house in Birmingham for the weekend, before returning them to Somerset on Sunday. 

Unfortunately, the 6-hour round trip and the pressure of wanting to create the perfect weekend for my daughters took its toll and when we arrived in Birmingham on Friday evening, my daughters would get grumpy with each other, they’d then get stroppy with me as I waded into their argument and before we knew it, we’d all be shouting at each other. As much as I loved seeing them, I dreaded those Friday nights.

One week, things got so bad, that I almost hit my eldest daughter for what would have been the first time in her life. Thankfully as I went to strike her, something stopped me. This was utter madness and I was being a fool! There simply had to be a better way of handling this situation and if I'd hit her, not only would I have deliberately hurt one of the most precious people in my life, I would also have given my ex-wife the perfect excuse for blocking my contact.

So I took a deep breath, I walked away from the situation, I poured myself a glass of wine had a think and took three vital steps:

1) I identified my desired outcome: The Friday night tension could ultimately contribute to an outcome, which I desperately wanted to avoid, that my daughters would report back negatively to my ex-wife who would no doubt use their complaints to block contact, or that they’d choose to stop coming. At best it started the weekends on a sour note and broke down my rapport with my daughters. My desired outcome was to reduce the Friday night tension peacefully, decisively and intelligently, so that everyone (including me) got a better deal.

2) I took measures to manage my state: As a single man, I was going to bed too late, so by the time of the weekends with my daughters, I was seriously tired. I therefore resolved to go to bed earlier in the nights leading up to those weekends so I felt fresher. I also decided to leave Birmingham earlier on Fridays so when I arrived in Somerset, I would still had time to grab a coffee, do some work on my laptop and have a short walk before picking up the girls from school. This would break-up the 6-hour round-trip for me and help relieve my fatigue. 

I also vowed that whatever kicked off on Friday between my daughters, I would stay calm and let certain things go if necessary. Discipline could be tighter on Saturday and Sunday, but NOT on Friday evenings.

3) I took measures to manage my daughter's state: I put myself in my daughter’s shoes and considered the likely challenges they were struggling with on Friday nights. I concluded that they were probably tired after a week at school, a bit disorientated by the change in their domestic routine, bored after spending three hours in the car and hungry by the time we arrived in Birmingham at 7pm. As a result, I took some simple steps to manage their state:

- I bought a DVD player + mini flat screens so they could watch a movie on the motorway. I also subscribed to love film so there was new stuff to watch for each journey.

- I ensured there was a lunch box for each of them so they had their supper in the car whilst watching their movie, rather than waiting till 7pm when we arrived at my house.

- I found a decent pub half-way between Birmingham and Somerset and we always stopped there for a 5 minute loo break and a packet of crisps so that the journey was broken up for my daughters.

A funny thing then happened … our Friday night blues turned into Friday night bliss.

The shouting ceased and the tension subsided. I didn’t use any clever disciplinary techniques, or bribery. I didn’t become a door-mat, giving in to whatever my daughters wanted, nor did I employ any rocket science, any aggressive parenting or super-dad/super nanny ideas to create this mini revolution. 

I simply identified my desired outcome and took basic steps to manage their state and mine.

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