Thursday 6 March 2014

How to create resilient children, using a 5-step process


My eldest daughter (aged 11 at the time), was brimming with confidence that she’d get a main part in the school play. Given her acting skills and the fact that she goes to a private drama academy, she was sure she’d sail through her auditions. Unfortunately, she didn’t secure a main part, or even a small part and was put in the chorus group!
She was devastated and when she came home that day, it was clear that her learned resilience strategies had gone out the window and she was stuck in doom and gloom.
"I’m rubbish at drama … I can’t believe I didn’t even get one line … it’s not fair … Why do I even bother going to drama academy?"
If you want to your child to become resilient, you can teach them a simple 5-step process to help them overcome their disappointments.
Step 1: Negative feelings expressed, using temporary language
When your children face defeat, encourage them to use temporary words like "today", "at the moment" and "right now" when they express their negative feelings.
This helps them to perceive their problems as temporary and if they believe them to be temporary, it feels less overwhelming (this is true whether you’re an adult or a child). As a result they’re more likely to take a positive view of their world, in spite of the problems they face.
Example (of my daughter's drama disappointment) - "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted." 
Step 2: Re-enforce their belief that they’re permanently brilliant people who faced a temporary set-back
Help them to deliberately emphasise their permanent qualities and indicate that on a different day, it could have been a different result.
Example - "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted because I know I’m really good at drama."
Step 3: Identify the external things which impacted the event and which were beyond their control 
Some people struggle with this step because they see it as making excuses and passing off the blame but I call it identifying external factors and it adds to the learning experience.

In the example of my daughter’s audition, when we reflected on the external circumstances of the day, we remembered that she almost stayed at home because she was feeling unwell. In the end it was a 50/50 decision and because we were short on child-care options, she went to school, but she was definitely not herself.
Example - "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted because I know I’m really good at drama. It didn’t help that on the day of the auditions, I was feeling unwell and this probably affected my performance in the auditions."
Step 4: Examine the specifics of what went wrong and use them to create a/some learning points
Finding external factors does not have to be another word for making excuses … so long as you also identify specific learning points to help you improve your performance for next time. In this example, my daughter recognised that because she was feeling unwell, she might not have put as much energy and focus into the audition.
Therefore, even though she has a natural flair for drama and should have had the upper hand as a result of her involvement with the drama academy, she needs to ensure that whenever it’s time to perform, whether it’s drama auditions or something else, she has to give 100%. Anything less and she may not achieve what she wants. When she worked through this learning point, she vowed that next time, she’d be ready … well or unwell!
Example - "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted because I know I’m really good at drama. It didn’t help that on the day of the auditions, I was feeling unwell and this probably affected my performance in the auditions. I need to ensure that in future, when I perform, I’m fully focused and give 100%."
Step 5: Find something to be grateful for
Highlighting a specific learning point from a set-back is in itself something to be grateful for, but working to identify other things for which you can be thankful is a powerful exercise. On this occasion, she felt grateful that in two weeks time, she’d be running the 400M on her school sports day in the gifted and talented section so she had another chance to shine.
Example: "I’m gutted at the moment that I didn’t get the role I wanted because I know I’m really good at drama. It didn’t help that on the day of the auditions, I was feeling unwell and this probably affected my performance in the auditions. I need to ensure that in future, when I perform, I am fully focused and give 100%. At least I have another chance to make an impact in two weeks time on sports day and I’ll ensure I’m completely prepared."
Using this simple formula, she quickly felt at peace about her disappointment and accepted it. She performed her chorus part with enthusiasm and was gracious about the other children who were given the main roles she so badly wanted … and when it came to her 400M on sports day two weeks later, she nailed it and won the race with a gutsy and tactically brilliant run.

(This 5-step process is inspired by Mark Sheasby, a professional Sports Mind Coach and good friend - for more information on how to adapt the techniques he uses with professional athletes to use with children, watch this space!)
Thanks for reading - I help people achieve more in their lives by developing their resilience, influence and productivity. 

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