How to discipline your children & build rapport at the same time

The look on her face said it all ... she knew she'd screwed up. 

Seeing us covered in muddy water (mixed with goose poo) and knowing that she was the culprit must have been a heart stopping moment for her.

My youngest daughter is 9 years' old and she's a bundle of energy. Unfortunately her enthusiasm means she often rushes into things without thinking and on a family walk in the park, she playfully kicked a large puddle. My wife definitely came off worse as she even got a taste of the goose poo which was floating in  the muddy puddle but we were both pretty soaked.

 So how do you manage your state in such a situation? 

Is this one of those exceptional occasions where unleashing your rage is excusable?

How do you effectively discipline your child so it doesn't happen again?

 Can this small, every-day calamity be used to good effect?

 This is how we handled it and why ...

• I informed my daughter that whilst I believed it was an accident, having created a mess, she was now responsible for sorting it out.

• I asked her what she could do to clear up the mess. She struggled to think of anything but was genuinely apologetic.

• I thanked her for her sincere apology and calmly suggested that in order to clear up the mess, she would have to doing the washing when we got home, something which unfortunately for her, would also include the contents of her baby brother's nappy bin (containing dirty washable nappies). She would then be responsible for hanging everything out. The inclusion of her brother's nappies didn't  go down well but she accepted it (somewhat begrudgingly) and when we got home, she did the wash and hung it all out (with a bit of guidance from me). 

So what's my point?

Several key things were achieved through this peaceful approach, which couldn't have been achieved had my wife and I started yelling when we got covered in the muddy slop.

 A) We avoided resorting to anger / fear as a means of disciplining our daughter because we managed our state. Whilst anger is a natural human emotion, uncontrolled anger creates fear, which kills imaginative thinking on the part of the child (and the adult for that matter).  Furthermore, fear is only an effective tool for discipline in the short term because in the long term, fear always turns to contempt and it's not a question of if, it's just a question of when!

B) We set a positive example for her to copy for when she's on the receiving end of someone else screwing-up.

C) We encouraged her to think for herself by asking her to consider how she could sort the mess out.  In this incident, she struggled to think of anything at the time, but if we deliver this approach repeatedly, it will help her to develop her ability to think when she's under pressure.

D) The consequence she faced was linked to her mistake. There was a clear connection between causing a mess and washing the clothes. Therefore, in spite of her reluctance to also handle her brother's dirty nappies, she recognised that our imposed consequence was fair. If your child sees you as fair rather than arbitrary, he/she will grow in respect for you.

 E) The consequence required her to take action in order to put things right, a far more effective method of teaching her a lasting lesson than delivering a lecture which she passively listens to, or grounding her so there is no specific action for her to complete.

 F) She learned how to do a wash, something which could be useful for us as we juggle the demands of a growing family and something which led her to observe just how much work it takes to sort out a wash.

The moral of the story?

Recently, my daughter suddenly said she thought we were brilliant parents and when I asked why, she emphasised two things ... fairness and no shouting!

When your kids screw up, there's usually a golden opportunity for building mutual respect and rapport ... so long as you:

1) Manage your state when things go wrong

2) Deliver a parenting model, which delivers the long-term outcomes you want for you and your children.

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